


A Missed Step

by Mistress_Kalamity



Series: My Heart's To Blame [11]
Category: Tokio Hotel
Genre: Epilepsy, M/M, Seizures, tonic clonic seizure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-29
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-09-02 23:53:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8688472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mistress_Kalamity/pseuds/Mistress_Kalamity
Summary: How dangerous can it be when Hunter's distracted by a baby?





	1. Chapter 1

With all the hoopla over Sasha's first birthday party, Tom had spent a lot of time with the little girl shopping. His only pleasure outside of the house is the quality time he got to spend with his youngest daughter. She plays happily in the stroller while Tom picks out decorations, a cake and few little bags to fill with small puzzles and educational games. He picks up a small stuffed bunny that he gives to Sasha immediately after purchasing it.  
The car ride home is filled with the tiny childs giggles and soft tones of Aerosmith. Tom occasionally either pets Hunter to check in or looks back at his daughter. At home, Sasha plays with her older sister and her friends while Tom resumes organizing the gifts and letters that he collected from family members. He wanted a instagram photo of the full party set up before the party tomorrow sans cake. He smiles at the photo and tucks his phone into his pocket. Georg joins him outside and pulls the younger male into his body.  
"Hey you," Tom chirps. Georg pecks his lips as a response. "How was your day?"

 

"Boring. I swear shopping with Bill has got to be one of the most annoying things I have ever had to do."

 

"Ugh. Tell me about it. And that's just one day, try what like 20 years?" Tom snorts. Georg looks at the man in his arms and laughs. Tom didn't see the humor in what he said, but he assumes that it's because he's referring to being twins with Bill and growing up together. He only chuckles and squeezes Georg's firm ass. 

 

"Someone's feeling fresh?" Tom only chuckles and turns around to be fully in Georg’s arms. He nuzzles into his chest and takes in scent. Georg loved his manly colognes. He always smelled exotic to the guitarist. Then again, he only bathes as he does because of Tom. Tom keeps him in check. Eventually the younger male pulls away and he sighs. “I need a shower,” Tom frowns.

 

“Go on and take one, I can put the stuff away safely for tomorrow,” Georg chuckles. Tom pecks his lips and goes up the stairs and into their bedroom. He pulls out a lounging outfit and grabs his towel and body wash. Not thinking, he closes the bathroom door behind him, forgetting that he’s supposed to have his service dog when he is taking showers. Hunter sits in Milo’s room, eyes trained on the tiny baby sitting on the bed, playing with another basketball player’s keychain. Georg packs up the decorations into their designated boxes, while trying to think of a way to get it all into the garage. Tom stands in the shower, naked as the day he was born, washing the grime of the day from his skin. He sticks his head under the water when a flash of white light crosses his eyes, his whole body soon jerking and then collapsing onto the tile floor of the shower. Georg hears the ruckus and runs up the stairs. Hunter is one step ahead of him, barking because he had heard his owner fall. 

 

Georg pulls the door of the bathroom open and gasps when he sees Tom halfway out of the tub, stiff and seizing. There’s blood coming from his chin and his scalp. Georg turns the shower off quickly and gently rolls the rest of Tom’s body back into the tub. The positioning he is in made that the safer place for him to ride out his seizure. Georg scolds Hunter for not alerting him to the attack and for not being there when Tom was taking a shower. The brunette is worried sick because Tom’s limbs are exceptionally stiff and he’s convulsing very violent. Spit foams at his mouth and his eyes are going from squinty to wide and rolled upward. His face twitches out of his control and his ankles knock into each other. Wrists do the same. Georg suspects that Tom might’ve broken a finger or two because they are contorted at weird angles. With Tom’s seizures, you never know. The bassist is startled when his oldest child comes into the bathroom. He turns to her abruptly while keeping his hands on Tom’s shaking form. “Milo, pass me a towel and call the paramedics. He hit his mouth and head. Might have some broken fingers too. Also take Hunter somewhere please. I am taking him back for training later on today,” Georg sighs.

 

He turns back to his husband who is still heavily seizing. The convulsions are not showing a breaking point and Georg deduces it’s because Tom hit his head. He doesn’t want to toss the towel over him yet because doesn’t want to restrict his movement anymore. His hand is already keeping Tom from banging his head up against the porcelain tub. “Shhh, it’s okay Tom. You’re doing good, just remember to breathe,” Georg coos. This is just too much for him. He knows that Tom has been taking his medication religiously as to avoid having any seizures at Sasha’s birthday party so it pained him that his husband is about to be hospitalized the day before her party. The forced vocalizations brought Georg to tears because every time this happens it hurts him. He didn’t get why Tom had to deal with this. Why Tom had to have these constant seizures against his control? Why someone as thoughtful and caring as Tom? He hated epilepsy. It took over too much and left Tom a fatigued mess by the end of it. The sirens rang through the streets, trying to get everyone to move so they could get the band member to a hospital still actively seizing. The prolonged grand mal seizure turned into clusters that had Tom stiff and jerking every 19 or so seconds. They put him on oxygen, and that’s when his twin came flying into the hospital room, “How is he?” Bill exhales, out of breath from running into the medical center.

 

“Still seizing. He’s having status clusters,” Georg whimpers. “They put him on oxygen because he’s not breathing right.” Bill walks over to his twin, a prisoner to his own body. He wants to hold his hand but he can’t. The guitarist’s hands are clenched into tight fists. 

 

“Did they say why?” Bill asks.

 

“He hit his head on the side of the tub. That might’ve caused something to I guess break up there,” Georg explained as best he could without breaking into tears.

 

“Where were you? Or Hunter? Or even Mike?”

 

“I was cleaning up and I thought Hunter was with him until I saw him bolting from Milo’s room when Tom started seizing. I took him back to the place today for more training.” Bill only shakes his head and looks down at his brother. He really is suffering. To be seizing nonstop, on oxygen, sweating and covered in saliva; this is not what Tom wanted. Georg crosses over with a tissue to wipe Tom’s face. He wanted to keep it as clear as possible. The cruel fact that this disorder had not only put him in the hospital but took away his chance to be at his daughter’s birthday party killed him. The damage this fall did to Tom would be possibly devastating. A head injury for any epileptic could mean anything. It could mean that he is a vegetable or he suffered some crazy injury that would leave in incapacitated. The door creaks open and a doctor walks in. She looks in on the saddened faces and tries her best to be sympathetic to them. Tom’s other neurologist had to quit her job because of family issues and this new one barely knew his case enough to be confident when dealing with Tom’s brother and husband. She clutches his chart close to her chest and clears her throat. Georg turns to look at her and she has a weak grin on her face. 

 

“What’s going on?” Georg asks. “What is your plan to stop him from seizing?”

 

“Well, we are currently trying to find the right regimen of anti convulsants to stop the status. It’s only difficult because Tom has depressed skull fractures around the left temporal, parietal and occipital lobes. The surgeon is planning on removing the damaged skull fragment and placing it in his thigh to allow the swelling in his brain to go down.”

 

“But how are you going to stop this from happening?” Georg asks, raising his voice and gesturing to an actively seizing Tom. 

 

“We’ve deduced that the status is being caused by the damage to his skull. The bone is putting pressure on his brain because it swelled during the impact. Once we remove his skull, we are sure the seizures should stop. He is going to be given sedatives to stop these convulsions and put him a medically induced coma. This will be temporary. We intend to wake him up once the swelling has gone down and we think he’s recovering from the injury.”

 

“More brain surgery? My brother has to get his head cut open again?”

 

“I’m afraid so. The injury is very severe. The lobes being affected control motor functions, emotions, and visual abilities. If we don’t do something soon, he could have irreparable brain damage,” the doctor explains. Georg looks at Tom laying in the bed. Eyes rolled up as he is overcome by yet again another cluster seizure. 

 

“Do it. If it means saving Tom’s life,” Bill decides. Georg looks at the younger twin. He wants to object. To say anything other than yes would be irresponsible. Tom needs help and Georg knows it. Milo didn’t know the situation. She just knew that tomorrow Mike would be hosting Sasha’s party in her parents’ absence. Georg didn’t want to worry the young child when he decided to call her. He just told her that Tom is really ill and would be hospitalized for a while. 

 

The brunette sits next to Tom’s hospital bed, holding his hand and looking at Tom’s hazel eyes before the nurse injects the sedatives into his IV. He grows still and his eyes close as he is forced into sleep. Tears streak Georg’s face, this is a sad day in the Kaulitz-Listing household. Georg always knew that Tom could get seriously hurt because of his epilepsy but he wasn’t expecting this. He didn’t want this and he knew damn well neither did Tom.

~*~*~


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of it all weighs heavy on the others.

Too much silence. Bill hates the silence. Silence means things are going wrong. His hands shake as he attempts to hold a paper cup of black sludge that used to be coffee. His nerves long since shot. Despite sedation, Tom still had more violent….longer seizures. That machine kept going off, making the blonde want to reach over and pull it from the wall. Maybe if it stops, Tom will stop seizing. Anything to wake him up. Milo visited after school and was immediately in tears upon seeing her father hooked up to so many machines at once. To see him vulnerable and incapacitated on that bed, it isn’t right. He shouldn’t be like that. Georg had gone outside with Gustav to smoke and clear his mind, leaving the younger twin with his brother. He wipes his forehead occasionally to free it of sweat, cringing whenever his eyes or hands brush up against the tubing down Tom’s throat. That offending piece of pipe hindered his twin’s beauty. He couldn’t see Tom beneath no matter how hard he tried. Tears sting his eyes as he hears that stupid machine going off yet again. Not again. 

 

The door flies open and he’s shooed out almost immediately with the harsh memory of his brother convulsing on the bed. Bill stands in the nearly empty hall and his whole body wracked with sobs. He couldn’t do this alone. He needed someone, anyone to hold him. Tom usually holds him when his emotions become too hard to overcome. The singer wants to leave the hospital and get a drink, anything to numb the pain. He can’t do that and he knows it. Georg would never forgive him and neither would Tom. As he turns, he sees Georg rushing up. The brunette is instantly worried when he sees Bill standing outside with tears running down his face and his thin frame trembling. Bill’s eyes fall upon Gustav and he stumbles into his arms, He just wants to be held. He needed strength. “They just won’t stop,” he sobs into Gustav’s shirt. Though he just about towers over the small man, he still manages to shrink into him.

 

Georg stands apprehensively at the door, waiting to be let in. Waiting to see that Tom is alright and to see that he’s still alive. Not caring about the birthday party he missed three days before. Not caring about all the people moving around him. Tom is his only focus. Georg brushes past all the staff as he enters the room during their exit. His husband is not the man he sees when he walks into that room. The color had all but drained from his face and body. His hair is a matted mess with bits of glue from the eeg, dried up shampoo that never washed out, sweat and stuck all together with blood. His boots clop along the tile floor until he’s standing above Tom, taking his frail hand into his own. “I need you to fight for me, Tomi. Please,” Georg pleads. He couldn’t lose him like this. Not now. Not after everything they had to go through to get to this point. A knock breaks Georg out of his sulk. He solemnly looks at the door as the neurologist walks in with the neurological surgeon right behind her. She closes the door and smiles solemnly at Georg.

 

“Mr. Listing, this is Dr. Frederich. He is the surgeon that’s going to be operating on Tom,” she introduces. “We both thought we should explain the process to you before we wheel Tom down to OR 3 for surgery.” Georg takes a seat still holding onto Tom’s hand.

 

“First we’ll show you the injury and then explain what course of action we are gonna take,” the surgeon states. He places two x rays of Tom’s skull on a transparency screen and pulls out his penlight. “As you can see, the depressed skull fracture is concentrated on the left side of his skull, indicating that during the seizure he fell on his left side. Is that how you found him?”

 

“Yeah, he was….he was um, he was halfway out of the uh tub, c--convulsing.”

 

“Okay, so what we are going to do is make an incision on the left side of his scalp. Once we’ve cleared away the muscle tissue and skin, we will drill holes in his skull and connect those holes using a bone saw and then remove the broken piece of his skull. The bone will be repaired with a synthetic mesh which will allow the bone to heal while it remains encased in his thigh. Once we have the bleeding under control, he’ll be stitched right up and fitted with a cap to protect his brain while it heals,” the surgeon explains.

 

“Okay, survival rates? He just had brain surgery less than ten years ago and that procedure was no walk in the park.”

 

“I have no casualties doing this procedure. I have performed this type of operation 5 maybe 6 times in my entire career. I can tell you however, as with any operation, there are risks of infection. That is why the chunk of bone will be placed in his thigh to prevent rejection once we reinsert it.”

 

“What about recovery time?” Georg asks. This is what he needed to know about the most. He didn’t need to really worry about telling anyone since the band had gone independent but he had to prepare himself mentally for how long Tom would need care and therapy. 

 

“Unfortunately with this kind of procedure he would need to be hospitalized for up to 7 months. We have to be sure that his brain is recovering good, there isn’t any sign of infection and that his body isn’t rejecting the skull fragment once we put it back into place,” the tired neurologist sighs. Georg’s face drops. The last surgery wasn’t that extreme but now his injuries were life threatening. His brain hadn’t ever swelled up before. He looks down at Tom and more tears fall. 

 

“What kind of rehabilitation will he be in? After the surgery?”

 

“Well first we will wait for the swelling to go down, replace the fragment and then he should begin rehab starting with his legs maybe two or so months after we put the fragment back. Depending on how well the site heals. Speech and motor functions will be worked on throughout the first three or so days after the surgery,” the surgeon replies.

 

“Speech and motor functions?”

 

“He will be very disorientated and find speaking hard. It wouldn’t be like the first time with misused words or confusion. His speech will be slurred, slow and it may take him a lot longer to respond to you. Over the next few months after the surgery, we will be working on that,” the surgeon clarifies. 

 

“So….yet again he’s going to have an issue speaking?” Georg asks on the edge of tears. He knew how much Tom hated being incapable of expressing himself. It’s the part of this whole thing that makes Tom lash out on Georg during the recovery. Tom’s too outspoken to silenced. Even when his mouth hurts from him biting down on it, he still finds a way to talk more than Georg. He slowly stands up, taking Tom’s hand and kissing his knuckles. “Uh what t--time are you going to take him in?” Georg stammers through the impending tears. 

 

“We think now would be the best option it seems we have maybe 3 to 4 hours between the more aggressive status seizures that the sedatives can’t fight off. The regimen of anticonvulsants maybe gives the surgeon two more hours tops before onset,” Dr. Heiss explains. She didn’t mean to sound insensitive and with her being the brand new doctor on the case, she expected that they may have heard some animosity in her tone. She tried to soften her gaze but nights of no sleep left deep dark bags under her eyes and her frazzled red hair did nothing to soften her pale complexion. At this point, Bill walks in fully composed but still obviously shaken up about the whole situation. His tears left red marks on his pale skin and his eyes were puffy and bloodshot, his fat cheeks didn’t help his look at all either. 

 

“W--what’s going on?” he stammers, clearing his throat. 

 

“They’re going to take Tom down for surgery. They don’t have much time before the onset of another of those violent seizures,” Georg says as bluntly as he could sparing Bill the long explanation. The younger twin nods that he understands and walks over to his brother. He bends down and kisses his cheek. 

 

“You’ve got this, Tom. I believe in you,” he whispers into his brother’s ear, squeezing his hand. “I am going to be with you every step of the way.” He stands up to his full height and backs away from Tom’s hospital bed. Both men watch as they wheel Tom out of the room and into the elevator to the operating room. 

 

“I uh, I am going to go back to the hotel and grab a few things. I can’t smell like a sweatshop when Tom gets out of surgery,” Bill chuckles sadly. Georg nods and Bill walks out of the room. He pulls his bag from Gustav’s hands and walks straight to the elevator to get to his car in the parking lot. He doesn’t wait for Gustav to catch, he honestly just wants to be alone. He presses the button and pulls his shades onto his face. He knows the paps are downstairs and he wants to ignore them. 

 

He can hear the vultures from the lobby of the hospital and he’s agitated by them. They scream his name and ask all sorts of inane questions. They don’t need to know specifics of his brother’s condition to make a quick buck. That’s shameful. He storms pass them, glaring from under his shades at the money hungry people who couldn’t let something like medical complications be sacred. The blonde gets into his car and slams the door shut. He needed a moment to breath after crossing the low rate PR line of doom. He goes through his bag and extracts his keys, shoving the car key into the ignition. He pulls his shades furiously from his face and pulls out of the spot leaving the photographers behind. His grip increases on the steering wheel as he speeds out of the lot and onto the road. 

 

The blonde zips through the Berlin streets, nearing home when he spots a familiar place. A scary familiar place. He parks his car on the side of the street and goes inside the store and gazes at the many bottles on the wall. So many to choose from. Just a bottle of wine to ease his mind. That’s not too much, right? The clerk emerges from behind a shelf and approaches the young singer. He couldn’t be no older than 15 judging by the acne that littered his otherwise medium complexion. “Can I help you?” He asks. Bill notices that his German accent sounds foreign. The pronunciation of his words isn’t too bizarre and he gets the gist obviously but it’s still poorly trained. 

 

“Where are you from?” Bill asks switching to English. 

 

“Minnesota. My dad bought my grandpa’s liquor store and we had to move out here to run it,” he drones. No reaction from the singer is present when the teen looks up at him. He honestly just wanted to know where not why. He lost interest and returned to looking at the bottles. “So what do you want?”

 

“Uh, just that bottle of barefoot, that bottle of grey goose, and….that bottle of patron,” Bill says gesturing the largest sized bottles of each brand. The teen skeptically packed the bottles and took his cash. Bill tucks the bottles into his car and drives back to his apartment. He puts the bottles and on the table and sits down on the couch and cries. Why’d he do that? Why would he tempt himself? Just the wine. He swears to himself, he’ll just drink the wine. He pulls it from the bag and pours himself a glass. The singer sits before the television with the wine bottle, his poured glass and his phone sat next to the bottle on the coffee table.He hadn’t come to this apartment in so long. The blonde knew it was a great place to clear his head. He texted Georg and told him he needed some space for a bit, relay that message to Gustav. He turns on the tv and Scrubs pops up. He smiles. He and Tom never missed an episode. He turns up the volume and laughs a bit in his lonesome with the lights out. The only light being the tv. That laughter soon turns to tears and he’s sobbing on the couch. He chugs the wine in his glass and puts it down. Long fingers wrap around the neck of the bottle and carry the glass up to the singer’s lips. He takes long gulps from the bottle. Anything to numb the pain. Anything to rid his mind of the images of his brother, tortured by his own body. He tosses the now empty bottle across the room and pulls out the bottle of patron. He pulls off the cork and starts chugging the tequila. It burns his throat but he doesn’t care. When he’s drunk he doesn’t think about Tom. He doesn’t feel any pain. He can be okay when he’s drunk. The world makes sense when he’s drunk. He tosses the patron to the side and grabs the bottle of grey goose. He gets through half of it before he hits the floor, dizzy from all the alcohol coursing through his veins. He crawls over to the wall and leans up against it.

 

Bill’s large body shudders with loud sobs that echo throughout the empty apartment. He screams Tom’s name and pounds his fists into the floor. The singer hugs the half full bottle of vodka and his broken cry turns into drunken laughter. “Shame on me. I wasn’t a better brother. All I would do is stress him out. Make him sicker. Some twin I turned out to be. I wish….I wish Alex killed me that night. Maybe Tomi would be happier. Tom would be happier…..happier if I weren’t even here,” he says to no one. He pulls the bottle up to his lips and finishes the rest of it. Long legs kick around a little as he tries to regain his footing. The door becomes a crutch as Bill uses it to help himself stand up right. He is about to walk to the bathroom when his front door is unlocked and open, light from the hall spilling into the room. “Gustav?” He slurs. 

 

“Jesus! Bill, what did you do?!” The blonde exclaims as he walks into the dark apartment turning on the lights. He sees the broken bottles and the turned over table that Bill hit when he fell. He looks at the taller, younger male swaying in the middle of it all. He is clearly drunk and that made Gustav’s heart pang. He should’ve gotten to him sooner. “Bill, how much did you drink?”

 

“I should’ve been a better brother,” Bill cries drunkenly. Gustav rushes over to his boyfriend who is breaking down right before him.

 

“God no, Bill it isn’t your fault,” he coos.

 

“Yes….yes it is. I shouldn’t have….I shouldn’t have been a bad brother….I should’ve been there for him. I wasn---wasn’t there for him,” Bill hiccups.

 

“Bill, you have to pull yourself together. How would Tom feel if he saw you right now?”

 

“What does it matter? Tom hates me. I know he does. I was supposed to protect him. I was his guardian. That was the whole reason I was born. And look, I fucking failed him, Gustav,” Bill slurs. Gustav looks down at the man crumpled into his body on the carpeted floor. He lived his life trying to be the one person who could be there and save Tom. This is killing him more than the blonde realized. He already had a bad reaction to one brain surgery but two. Bill feels like all he’s done since they were born is make Tom’s condition get progressively worse. Every time Tom ended up in the hospital it was a Bill related issue. This time felt no different to him. Georg had muttered to him about the conversation they had about Bill’s shopping habits. In his overreacting mind, it sounded like Tom said he’s a nuisance. He sobs in Gustav’s arms, hiccuping from the alcohol he consumed in that short period of time. 

 

“Bill, you cannot think that way. Someone is going to save Tom. He’s going to be fine. He’s going to power through this. You know that, right?”

 

 

“It’s all my fault. Everything is just my fault. Maybe if I wasn’t born, Tom would be healthy. He’d be one person. I took too many nutrients from him. I did this to him. I know I did,” The singer rambles. Gustav saw that there is no consoling him. Not when he’s like this. He pulls Bill closer and rocks with him on the floor, hoping to lull him to sleep. Bill just needed to sleep. His emotions are too chaotic. He didn’t take his medication and the blonde is sure his bipolar disorder is eating him alive right now. He got diagnosed in early 2012 when he had a severe bout of depression, it prevented them from releasing anything for the band. He wouldn’t get out of bed. He wouldn’t eat or sleep. He just wouldn’t. He tries to get Bill to fall into pattern with the rocking because a small secret he once told the drummer; since he was a small child when he falls into the rhythm of anyone rocking him he falls to sleep immediately. Gustav wants to make him feel better. To stop him from breaking down. The sobs grow louder and Gustav has to hold his own tears in. He keeps rocking. Back and forth. Just to make him feel better. Just to put him to sleep. The screams soon are silent. The blonde looks down and Bill is falling asleep. His long eyelashes brushing his cheeks.

 

Gustav sighs and tries to map out how he’s going to transfer Bill to the bedroom. He puts one arm beneath his legs and one behind his back. He picks him up bridal style and gets up to the bed and places him gently on the soft bedding. He turns his face toward the edge of the bed and pulls the trashcan right beneath it, predicting he’s going to be violently ill at some point. He sends a text to Georg telling him that he’s going to stay with Bill because he’s not feeling well. He can’t tell him that Bill tried to drink himself to death. He knows that he should rush him to the hospital if he doesn’t wake up tomorrow. He was still able to stand and speak so Gustav is crossing his fingers that Bill doesn’t have liquor poisoning. He looks down at his watch and that worry slowly dissipates. Bill was alone for 6 hours before Gustav arrived. To Bill the time felt like minutes. Gustav went looking for him when Tom came out of surgery and he heard nothing from the younger twin. Gustav did not expect to find Bill in a drunken stupor. He knows how much Bill started to moderate his alcohol consumption in order to avoid falling back into bad habits. Georg would be livid if he knew. Now is not the time to put that kind of stress on Georg. He’d clean this one up for Bill. The blonde didn’t mind. He is used to cleaning up after the singer.

~~~~~

Bill flops over the side of the bed aiming right for the trash can beneath his face as vomit comes rushing out of his mouth. He feels like crap and the lights in the room don’t make it any better. He moans and flops onto his back. He’s soon back in his original position as soon as he feels more vomit coming. He leans over the trash can and empties the contents of his stomach 4 more times before laying back to rest against the pillows. Gustav walks in with a pain killer, water and some buttered toast and coffee. He knew what Bill usually ate during his hangovers from years of experience. He lays the tray next to Bill and helps him sit up to feed himself.

 

“Wha---what happened last night?” Bill moans at a volume barely above a whisper. The sound of his voice bouncing off the walls made his head hurt worse.

 

“What do you remember?” Gustav asks. Bill looks at the ceiling and tries to piece together his fragmented memories. All he could see was Tom convulsing and he starts sobbing all over again. 

 

“Bill, what’s wrong?” 

 

“Tom, where’s Tom? Is he okay?” Gustav sighs at the child like voice that escaped Bill. That meant Bill disassociated yesterday. He himself didn’t remember doing anything. His other personality, the one that uses drugs and alcohol to make him forget, took over and he has no recollection of it. 

 

“Bill, baby, I think now is a good time for you to start going back to therapy,” Gustav sighs. “You had another psych episode last night. You drank yourself to near death.”

 

“Wha? No, I didn’t. I’m fine, Gustav, really.”

 

“Bill, this Tom situation is hard on all of us. All of us have to deal with Tom being in the hospital. You need to be there for him. You can’t do that if you’re flip floppin’.” Bill starts sobbing. He blames Alex for all this. That man drove him to near insanity. Anxiety that left him in horrible depressions. Separate personalities that allow him to numb himself from the pain. He isn’t okay. He knows he’s not. He just is afraid to admit it to himself. He didn’t want to be in therapy anymore. He wanted to stay with his boyfriend. He wanted to be with Tom. He just wanted to be okay again.

 

“Gustav, please don’t send me away again. I can’t go back to that place. I just can’t.”

 

“Bill, if you talk to someone, you won’t have to go back into the hospital. Just see a therapist. Can you do that for me?” Gustav asks, nearly pleading with the younger male. Bill nods and wipes away his tears. Gustav pulls his boyfriend into his arms and kisses his forehead. 

 

“Why did this have to happen to my brother? Tom doesn’t deserve this,” Bill sobs.

 

“I know he doesn’t.”

 

“Gustav, I just want him to be okay. Please tell me he’ll be okay.”

 

“Tom is a fighter. He’ll power through this. I know he will.” Bill nuzzles more into Gustav and goes right back to sleep. He had been through so much and honestly just needed sleep. The blonde lays back down with Bill and both men fall asleep in Bill’s large bed. 

 

****

 

Georg sips cold coffee as he looks in on Tom while the nurse changes the catheter, bandages and cleans up his face around the tube down his throat. Georg looks over at the ICU doors and is stunned to see Simone walking in with Gordon in tow. They hadn’t responded to any of his calls when Tom had been hospitalized and he was angry at first but now he’s happy to see them. Simone catches his eye and rushes right over. She hugs him first and then pulls away to meet his eyes. “What happened?”

 

“Tom, he had a seizure and fractured his skull. He fell in the shower. The rescue dog was distracted. I sent it back for more training, don’t worry. Tom had to get surgery and he won’t be functioning for at least 7 months,” Georg sighs. Simone gasps, bringing her hand up to her face. She looks through the window and goes into the room. The brunette decides to leave the mother alone with her son. He goes to walk away when he matches eyes with Gordon and he is livid.

 

“Where in the living fuck were you during his attack?”

 

“Cleaning up, sir,” Georg replies.

 

“Why weren’t you watching him? Why weren’t you closer?! Goddamn, why didn’t you keep him safe?!” Gordon exclaims. Tears fall down his face and the brunette’s heart starts to beat faster. He doesn’t know what to say or do. Gordon is borderline hysterical. The man had become Tom’s father in Jorg’s absence and he didn’t like the idea of his son being hospitalized after getting brain surgery….again. The first time was one thing but this time it seemed to him that the incident could’ve been avoided had someone got to Tom when he first started showing signs of a seizure. He is pointing all fingers at Georg this time around.

 

“Mr. Trumper, he was fine when he….” Georg cuts of by crying. He hated himself for this. He knew it was his fault. He should’ve went up there with him or made sure Hunter was in the bathroom. He neglected his duties as a husband and for the first time since Tom was admitted a week prior he broke down. The stocky man starts to cry loudly, backing up into a wall and sliding to the ground. “Who the fuck am I kidding? You’re right to blame me. It’s my fault. I should’ve made sure he had Hunter in that bathroom. I didn’t check up on him. I didn’t….I didn’t protect him,” Georg sobs.

 

“Georg, it’s not the fault,” Gordon whimpers. Seeing the brunette so broken up about it tore through the older man. He knew that Georg didn’t mean for any of this to happen. The bassist wanted Tom to be okay just as much as the people who surrounded him. The father joins him on the floor and both men lean their heavy heads on the wall behind them. “Tom….Tom is a strong kid. He’ll get through this. It’s only another setback.”

 

“I know. I am just so tired of it. I know Tom is too. It’s not fair to either of us but mostly him. He missed Sasha’s birthday and he’s going to miss Milo’s in two weeks. I’m going to miss it. So is Bill. Gordon, I want this to stop. Not for our sakes, for Tom’s,” Georg confesses. 

 

“We all do. As a family, we will help Tom get through this. I know he has a long recovery ahead of him.”

 

“We’re talking about months of not being able to do anything. He is going have issues communicating, feeding himself, using the bathroom, walking and just being human. He’s going to lash out. It won’t be pretty. Honestly, it’s stressful,” Georg huffs.

 

“Simone told me,” Gordon huffs. “Look, I know Tom isn’t my son. Those boys are the best thing to have ever happened to me. I saw so much raw talent in those two that I didn’t care that they weren’t my biological children. I wanted to cultivate it. I wanted to support them. I wanted to be their father. Bill and Tom need that much. This whole situation puts me in such a….difficult spot emotionally but don’t think for one second that I will get up and run when things get hard.”

 

“I’m just glad to have someone with me this time around. I was alone and to be honest, I think that’s what drove me the most crazy. I have the girls now. I can’t balance Tom and them. I just need someone to watch them. Please. Take some of the house pressures off me.”

 

“I’m sure Simone wouldn’t mind moving into the house to help you with the chores and take care of the girls. I wouldn’t mind helping out with Tom’s care. I’m not really good with girls,” Gordon chuckles.

 

“Agreed,” Georg smiles. This is the first time Georg got the chance to even talk to Tom’s father. He enjoyed his company and also felt a huge weight lift off his shoulders. With another set of hands around, he feels this recovery will be ten times smoother than the last. He stands back up to his full height and joins Simone in Tom’s room. There’s still a tube obstructing his face, the guitarist’s lungs collapsed because of the damage and he could not breathe on his own. Simone holds onto her child’s hand and she whimpers to herself. The mother’s bottom lip quaking with each shaky breath she took. “Mrs. Trumper?” Georg pries.

 

“It’s funny….no matter what happens to my baby, he still looks so beautiful to me. As if that’s a sign that he is going to be alright. He hasn’t lost his glow yet,” she chides sadly. 

 

“Tom is a strong one,” Georg agrees.

 

“Georg, I have seen my baby like this more times than I can count. Every fucking time I turn around, this _stupid_ fucking disorder hurts my baby. Why can’t he have one damn moment of fucking peace?” Georg had never seen the mother so upset before. She normally got saddened by his hospitalization but she seemed all but fed up. She has fresh tears running down her cheeks and her hair is pulled back in a knot with a few stray hairs sticking to her face. Exhaustion is evident on her features. She had flown back in from the US, visiting an old friend and not sleeping the entire ride back and the entire drive to the hospital. Her boys always came first. She had no time for anything else. “Do you have any idea what kind of guilt I live with? Georg, I gave birth to him. I did something wrong and I know it. It’s my fault. I am his goddamn mother and I couldn’t do all that I could to make sure he was healthy inside of me.”

 

“Simone, it’s not your fault. He wouldn’t want any of us to blame ourselves. We have to remain strong. I’ll admit I broke down but now I see that we can’t do that. We have to just work as a family to take care of Tom, get him back to himself and then we can move on from this as a family. Please. I can’t do this alone,” Georg pleads. The tired woman looks up at the brunette and a small smile stretches her across her lips. She nods and turns back to Tom. She kisses his knuckles and brushes back a few stray hairs from Tom’s sweaty forehead. The helmet on his head is meant to protect his head from further injury and she still feels that Tom is the same Tom he’s always been. She saw past all the things they attached to him to keep him alive. Her Tom is beneath all that and he’s fighting for his life. The pair is a bit startled by the doctor walking into the room. She holds a chart to her chest and she smiles awkwardly at the two people in the room, cooing an unconscious Tom, sending him strength. 

 

“Hi, I thought I’d pop in and give you guys an update,” she offers. “Tell you guys what’s going to happen next? Just, you know, explain the aftermath of the operation that Tom just underwent.”

 

“Sure, what is it?” Georg sighs. He’s slightly agitated by the neurologists giddy attitude whenever she deals with them. The ridiculous grins and shrill, chirpy voice she used made the bassist want to punch her in the face whenever she spoke. He refrained from being violent towards her because she is trying her hardest to save his husband. 

 

“Good news is, his surgery was a success. The incision was clean and the sutures are nice, firm and neat. However, with the swelling still being an issue, Tom may experience more seizures until the swelling does go down. He will be under heavy observation with a nurse checking every half hour to change bandages, vitals and to administer medication for pain and any further seizures.

 

We are hoping that he’ll be breathing on his own soon. The left lung is inflated but poorly and his right lung is not functioning at all. The ventilator will do his breathing for him until his lungs can start circulating oxygen again. If he has any seizures and there isn’t a nurse in the room press the call button. Now for his recovery, we are going to give it two weeks before we start weening him off the sedatives and start waking him up to see if he’s regained consciousness. We will test his speech and motor functionality when that happens. He’ll most likely have weakness in his arms and legs, His speech will be impaired he may speak with a small lisp for the rest of his life. 

 

Also something we noticed, he might have worsened vision. During the operation the surgeon found a piece of his skull stuck in his occipital lobe. It was cutting right into the tissue and caused some bleeding that we got under control. If he wears glasses, he’s really going to need them now. He may also get some visual hallucinations as well as auditory hallucinations because his temporal lobe was affected from the fracture. All of this will be monitored over the course of the next few months, don’t worry. Other than that, Tom should make a full recovery,” she smiles. Georg shakes her hand and looks back at Tom once she leaves. He takes his hand and leans his head gently against his shoulder. “You made it, baby. One hurdle crossed. Now, all you have to do is make it through the rest.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone has to relearn. Everyone has to move on. Tom's condition, being an added stressor that no one needed.

Silence filled the room. Bill adjusts the flowers their mother brought to liven up the room. The younger twin also made sure to bring Tom's blanket from home and they made sure the nurse put him in his own PJs. They made him comfortable. Georg parts the curtains, softening the harsh lights of the hospital room. They moved him to a private room in the ICU once he got out of surgery and appeared to be recovering well two days prior. Bill moves over to Tom's bedside and gently rubs his thumb on his hand.

Both men are happy that Tom's doing well. The whole world seemed to be smiling since Tom got better. The seizures would come at some point but for now everything is okay. Georg's stormed mind calmed a bit while he sits in the room. All the possibilities ran through his mind. He could see Tom seizing and then stroking out, killing him. His grip increases on the soft fabric and he buries the thoughts. Too much tension. There is going to be too much tension. He couldn't put Bill through that. He had just stopped crying every time he walked into the hospital room. He looks back at the younger twin, noting his need to pamper Tom. The blonde fluffs his brother's hair and straightens his collar, angered that none of the nurses bothered to clean up Tom's face. Georg doesn't notice as he ventures into the hall to grab some warm water, gentle soap and a rag. The twin finds a nurse and collects all the tools he needed to make Tom feel as comfortable as possible. The pain he'd be in when he woke up would be enough to bring him to tears.

"Bill?" He turns abruptly shocked to see Gustav standing there. He almost drops the bucket. The older male hadn't visited since Tom's initial admission. Gustav didn't like hospitals. They reminded him too much of bad things that have happened to him there, still not completely over Bill's near death. Not to mention with Bill's current mental state, the drummer didn't entirely trust his boyfriend being here. It seemed detrimental to his overall health. "Why didn't you tell me this is where you went?"

"You know this is where I go. Tom needs me by his side right now," he states, slightly annoyed by Gustav's sudden clingy-ness.

"Bill, I just need for you to tell me these things. I honestly was worried when I woke up and you were gone," Gustav sighs.

"You found me here, didn't you?"

"Not the point."

"Gustav, I honestly cannot do _this_ right now," Bill groans. He turns around and starts to slowly walk down the long hallway back to Tom's room, he needed a moment to collect himself after encountering Gustav. Their relationship strained the minute Tom was admitted. Bill spent every waking moment with Tom, nearly ignoring him. He knows his place is with his brother. No one cared for Tom the way Bill did. He made sure his face is clean and he brushed the loose hair gently to keep his hair soft and clean looking. He made sure he readjusted Tom's clothes, knowing that Tom appreciated looking neat at all times. "Bill, you can't devote all of your time to him!" Gustav calls after him.

" _Excuse_ me?! Tom is my fucking brother! He is lying in that bed, all alone. I can't lose him. This stupid ass fucking disorder has taken so much shit from him and I had to watch it happen. Don't tell me to leave his side because you need me to play with your dick!" Bill bellows as he storms right back to where Gustav is standing. 

"That's not what I meant! Bill, let Georg be there for Tom. You can't run to his side every time something happens. It isn't healthy," Gustav rationalizes.

"Seriously? Fuck you, Gustav! Tom just got part of his fucking skull removed. I am not leaving his side. So if you aren't going to support him, leave!" Bill turns on his heels and storms down the hall. Angry because the water is now lukewarm. He decides to just refill it using the sink in Tom's room. Georg's holding Tom's hand when Bill returns. He knows there's tears in his eyes. He didn't care. "Are you okay?"

"Gustav said something to me earlier. I don't wanna talk about it."

“Okay….can we talk about it at some point? I don’t like knowing my cousin pissed you off to the point where you are crying and shaking and I didn’t pummel him for it,” Georg chuckles sadly. The older male really tried his hardest to help Bill ignore the fact that his twin is lying in a hospital bed with a tube down his throat, a piece of his skull missing and multiple machines attached to him, taking over any and all functions. Tom isn’t helpless like this. He knew Bill hated it. 

Bill missed being able to banter with his twin about all the bullshit they experienced, from fans to the fame. The band’s 4 year long hiatus did nothing but bring light to the fact that Bill really isn’t stable. His emotions get erratic and that’s what made his descent to drug use all the more understandable. The blonde had to admit that he had trouble with his mood swings since early adolescence. Tom is used to his brother’s behavior and didn’t think it was serious at the time. Until he got a call from Gustav at 3 in morning stating that Bill had completely lost it and tried to toss himself off the balcony of their Los Angeles apartment during a football party. At first Tom tried to blame the alcohol. Once he heard the words that left his twin’s mouth, everyone knew right then and there that something was off. 

Tom was there the entire time Bill had to heal. From the moment they brought Bill to the psychiatric hospital to the moment he was released. Bill vowed to do the same for Tom. He knew how long these next few months would be and he didn’t mind spending all his time caring for his twin. Tom meant the world to him and he wouldn’t ever abandon him. Not for fame. Not for money. Not for Gustav. Not for Georg. Not for anyone. He remembers how much it hurt to leave Tom’s side when Alex controlled his actions. He still feels that burning guilt every time he looks in Tom’s eyes. His twin may not mean to do it, but Bill can always see the small about of betrayal in Tom’s gaze whenever they meet eyes. Tom seems to almost keep himself slightly guarded around his younger and louder brother. The way he would hesitate slightly before touching him. The way he seemed almost shocked to hear his brother was visiting their home sometimes. Georg noticed that Tom’s behavior toward his twin seemed to be malicious at times. Not purposely but he clearly is still upset about Bill leaving him because he’d rather do drugs and drink and take asswhuppings oppose to get help. The younger twin had to make it up to him. For years of fucking up their relationship. He had to fix this. He had to help his twin. Gustav would never understand that. He didn’t have a brother like Tom. 

A knock at the door pulls the younger twin out of his thoughts and he is upset to see Gustav in the doorway. He didn’t want to talk to him. Not now. He puts the basin down and goes to the door. He pulls it open and glares at the other blonde. “What do you want, Gustav?”

“Bill, you have a session with Dr. Good today. I have to take you because I know you won’t go if I don’t.”

“Gustav, I can’t do this right now. What part of that do you not understand?”

“You aren’t getting out of this. I can’t deal with you having another meltdown. You promised you’d go talk to someone and that’s what you’re doing,” Gustav groans.

“I don’t want to _get_ out of it. I want you to leave me alone so I can take care of my brother.”

“I am not leaving this doorway until you are walking with me. You have a therapy session and you are going, whether you go voluntarily or involuntarily.”

“Are you really threatening me?! Gustav, I can’t deal with this anymore. You have done nothing but make me feel weak and worthless ever since that day! I get it! I know I wanted to kill myself and I still feel that way every single day. What you need to understand is that Tom being in this hospital is what is driving me insane! I have to be by his side. Gustav….I have to end this.”

“End what?”

“Our relationship. It’s not working out. I am grateful for you being there for me but, right now, you just don’t understand me and it’s not helping me at all.” Gustav looks at Bill incredulously and pulls the younger twin right out the door into the hall. Bill tries to fight him but can’t seeing as he isn’t as strong as the smaller male. “Let me go, Gustav!”

“Let you go? If I let you go, you go to the edge of a balcony and try to jump off. I let you go and you drink yourself to death. I let you go….and you end up dead. Every time I let you go, something bad happens to you and I can’t live with that,” Gustav whimpers. 

“Gustav, please don’t take me away from Tom. I can’t live without him and you know that. If I leave him, it’ll kill me. Please. Don’t do this to me. Don’t take Tom away from me,” Bill pleads. The smaller male looks at his boyfriend, he’s a crying mess. His body is trembling and tears cascade down his face. All the drummer could see was the hurt look in his eye. The betrayal. Gustav betrayed him. He took him away from Tom. How could he even recover from this? “Gustav, I wouldn’t be able live if you took me away from my brother.” 

“Bill, you are overreacting,” Gustav sighs.

“I am not. Tom and I have always been together. Especially at times like this. We honestly had nothing else. Our father abandoned us because of Tom’s seizures and I won’t do the same. So let me go Gustav or risk losing me forever,” Bill whimpers. Gustav can sense he’s holding something back but he doesn’t push it. He can’t. He sees the look of pain hiding behind Bill’s strong gaze and it holds his tongue still in his mouth. He is conflicted with his heart and head, both fighting to take control of the blonde’s actions. Bill needs help and there is no denying that but at the same time, he didn’t want to tear him from Tom. He knows that Bill would die if he had been forced to leave Tom all alone during this whole ordeal. It isn’t fair to Bill. It isn’t fair to Tom. Gustav lets his young boyfriend’s arm go but he still gives him a serious look. 

“Do you still wanna leave me?”

“Gustav….I think we rushed into this. I was distraught because of Alex. I just need some space. Right now, I am just going to focus on taking care of Tommy. I have to, you get that, right?”

 

“No, I don’t. I have been there for you. I fought for you. I defended you. I was supposed to be your knight in shining armor but I see that all my efforts have done is make me rusty. I don’t like that you make me feel this way. I don’t like that you wanna leave me. Why do you wanna leave me? Whatever did I do to you?”

“As cheesy as this line is, it’s not you, it’s me. I am the one who’s messed up. I need my space and I need to be there for Tommy. Please let me do that. I’ll get better if I do that. I swear.” The drummer doesn’t say anymore. He just walks out. He can’t take being heartbroken by the singer twice. There’s something about being hurt by him twice that just made this more painful. Why is Bill the only one to make him feel this way, he’ll never understand.

****

The days turned into weeks and soon the doctor is prepared to wean Tom off the drugs. She ran a few tests to check the swelling on his brain and once she was sure he was showing good signs towards recovery, she asked the nurse to lower his dosage of sedatives to allow for him to wake up naturally. Bill holds Tom’s hand tightly, looking at his swollen face, his eyes held purple shadows and his cheeks were puffy. Being in a medically induced coma will do that to you. He honestly wants to see Tom’s eyes again. Once he sees the fiery pools, he’ll know for sure if everything is okay. He can communicate with his twin through their gazes, words not needed for them. Georg holds Tom’s other hand and kissed the knuckles gently. “I’m right here, Tom. Bill is right next to you too. You’re doing real well. I am so proud of you,” he says, kissing Tom’s forehead. Both men sat in silence, Simone having left to grab coffee for the two of them. Neither man had slept right since Tom had been admitted and she knew they needed sleep. The cheap buzz from the caffeine in the coffee should keep them alive. At least until Tom wakes up. She didn’t want them to crash before they got the chance to see him awake.

The black sludge had become a fountain of sustanence for the family. They relied on it to calm nerves, wake up and ignore meals. All to focus their energy purely on Tom. When the door opens behind them, Bill’s heart swells in his chest and rage fills his being. Georg didn’t get why the younger twin rose to his feet and slapped the man that walked into the room. He had never seen him before. “What are you doing here?” Bill sneers.

“I heard from the media that my child is in a hospital. I had to come and see him.”

“Really? You had to come and see him?! You didn’t seem to give a fuck when we were kids,” Bill spat. Georg finally puts two and two together. That must be Jorg. The father that left his own children behind because he couldn’t stomach his child having a seizure disorder. The father that stole his son’s innocence. 

“I was young then and foolish. I’m sorry. That doesn’t excuse the fact that neither you nor your mother called me to tell me that this is the second time he’s had brain surgery and the second time he’s been in the ICU in a coma. I had to find out from a television.”

“Why would I call a man who left my brother at the base of a staircase, covered in his own blood and urine? Why would I call the man who promised to take care of us and left us to die? Why would I call a man who---” Bill stops himself and glances over his shoulder at Georg. He had just told (well not entirely) Georg about his abuse. Something he repressed and that resurfaced during Milo’s abduction and during his weekly appointments with Dr. Good, his main reason for not wanting to resume the sessions. He takes a deep breath and glares at his father, holding back all his tears. “We had nothing when you left. Mom was working four jobs and would be exhausted by the time she got home. You don’t deserve to be worried about Tom or even know about his condition.”

“I know I screwed up but you’re still my boys, right?”

“No. No we’re not. Gordon took care of us. He became our father. We took on his name and we became his sons. As far as I’m concerned, Gordon Trumper is our father,” Bill whimpers. 

“Billie….I’m…..I’m sorry,” Jorg sighs.

“Sorry? What is your real reason for even coming here? Money? Did you want money from us? Did you think that Tom would be so incapacitated that he’d just fork over cash?”

“God, no! Bill, I am not that kind of monster. I honestly worry about you boys. Your mother would never tell you that though. Now would she. I tried to come to one of your shows and she had security toss me out. I tried to be there for you boys. I saw that I messed up. I wanted to fix it earlier on. Then Gordon moved in and things got too difficult.” Bill goes to respond but stops when he hears groaning. All three men turn around and look at Tom, his eyes are flickering and he’s trying to move his mouth, in an attempt to close it. Bill goes to grab the doctor, who rushes in with her penlight in hand and gloves on.

“Tom? Can you hear me? It’s Dr. Heiss,” she calls while flashing the penlight in his eyes. Georg wants to stop her but he knows she has to assess his condition. Tom’s eyes open enough for there to be slits to see through. He goes to close his mouth and panics when he can’t. “Just relax, you are on a intubator. Your lungs collapsed. You’re okay now though. Don’t worry. Just relax.”

“Is he awake?” Bill asks.

“Yes, he is. I am going to run some tests on his lung functions to see if we can get this tube out of him. First, I am going to test his eye movement and hand movement. I will also check for nerve stimulation.” She turns around and is shocked to see the twins’ biological father right behind her. She had come across all family except him and she was shocked to see how much he looked like Bill. Her eyes quickly scan the emotions of Georg and Bill. Neither man looks thrilled. Granted, they’re strung out from the Tom’s hospital stint, however they still looked hopeful most days. There is nothing but tension that sits in the room in mouds. She can feel all the negativity is stemming purely from Jorg’s presence in the room. With a grin on her face, remembering he’s still her patient’s father, she puts her hand out, “And you must be Jorg, I’m guessing.”

“Uh yeah, how’d you know?” He replies, gripping her tiny hand and shaking it. Dr. Heiss doesn’t let go of his hand, forcing him to meet her gaze. She only chuckles and leads him to the door. It opens with a small click and she frees her hand from his. The red haired doctor directs him out of the room and yet again smiles.

“I did a geneaology in case we needed an organ donor and your name popped up.” The doctor doesn’t say anymore. She just shoos him out and closes the door. “In Tom’s state of confusion, Jorg would’ve set him off,” she smiles, understanding that no one wanted him in the room. Georg sends her a silent thank you and turns back to Tom. He takes his hand and kisses the knuckles. Dr. Heiss smiles sweetly and looks at Bill. The tall male is crying, obviously, but his mouth is covered by his closed fist. They meet gazes and he only flicks it back to Tom. After getting nonverbal permission from his brother, she crosses over to Tom and pulls out a pen.

“What’s that for?” Georg asks.

“I am going to see if he can track this with his eyes.” He sighs with relief when he sees Tom’s eyes moving around the room, tracking the blue pen. Dr. Heiss smiles and tucks it back into her pocket. She picks up Tom’s hand and pulls out a blunt metal tool. She doesn’t say when but she starts running it along his hand. 

“Blink if you feel that,” she directs. Bill is happy when Tom’s eyes close and open up again. She puts his hand down, palm facing up. She puts a hand on his shoulder and smiles. “Can you move your fingers? Just wiggle them.” There’s a slow reaction but Tom’s able to move them slightly. Nothing extreme like if he were playing guitar but enough to show that the nerve endings work. She does the same on his other hand and gets the same results. After checking his feet and legs, she calls in a nurse to help her sit Tom up to check his breathing and see if the tube to be removed. She’s happy to hear the circulation in his lungs is not restricted and the pathways all sound clear. He’s laid back down and she removes her gloves.

“So what happens now?” Bill asks.

“Well, the tube will be removed within the hour. His nostrils are dilating meaning he is breathing on his own. His lungs sound clear and from the pressure I put on his back, I can feel that his lungs are fully inflated. He’ll still be on oxygen. We will still keep him under observation and start therapy within the next few days. However, the nurse here will be exercising his legs starting today. Nothing to crazy, just working out the muscles before we get him standing and walking. He responded well to the skull reattachment. No rejections or bleeding. I say he’ll make a full recovery in the next eight or nine months,” Dr. Heiss smiles. Everyone’s heart drops when the loud beeping monitor goes off in the room. Dr. Heiss keeps Georg and Bill back as she turns him gently onto his side. “As I said, this may happen during the healing process.” She made sure to remove the tube from the ventilator to prevent an injury or choking. Tom’s limbs shook out of his control and the small doctor wanted to vomit. She didn’t understand how Tom’s regular doctor stomached this. It was too much. To watch a grown man with a family succumb to this disorder, it was not unseeable. It left a scar on your mind. His body slows under her touch and she looks down at her watch.

“3 minutes and 40 seconds,” she announces to the attending nurse. “Grab me two cc’s of phenobarbital, wipes and lurbricant. We have to pull this tube out now.”

Georg holds Bill in his arms as the doctor and nurse remove the tube from his twin’s mouth and Bill wanted to scream at them to stop touching his beloved brother. He knew they were helping him but he didn’t like that his brother was in this constant pain. He fought against Georg’s grasp but he was honestly happy that the brunette is holding him. He’d fuck things up if he could get free. Once the team got the tube removed, Tom is laid back down, cleaned up and tucked under the blankets. Georg lets Bill go and both men walk over to Tom’s unconscious form. He looked so much better with a cannula up his nostrils as opposed to the large ventilator. Yet again he had a skrillex-esque haircut, scraggly scar included. Georg kisses his husband’s cheek, happy that he is alive and doing a lot better than he was when he first arrived, Yes, the seizures didn’t completely stop but he’s making progress to being up and well again, and that was more than Georg and Bill could ever wish for.

*****

Milo stands in the hall, two bodyguards on either side of her. Since the kidnapping earlier that year, she, along with Georg and the rest of their family, had been extra cautious with her safety. She didn’t want to return to school for while and the family respected her choice. She still practices with her friend, Hyland and she’s still a student but after the kidnapping they gave her a medical leave, allowing for Hyland to bring her books, classwork and homework to her. Tests are emailed to Mike, who prints them out and faxes the completed exams back. She runs a hand over her braided hair. She hasn’t worn her hair in it’s usually large pouf in a while. She feels it makes her too easy to identify in a crowd. Paparazzi follow her around even more because they want details on her kidnapping and on her father’s condition. They even went as far as to ask her did her family fake her kidnapping to distract them from Tom.

Milo responded to that one with a glare and a very clear, “FUCK OFF” before she was forced into the car. Random people started questioning Georg and Tom’s parenting skills based off this one clip. Even in America. What the world didn’t know is that Milo wasn’t kicking and screaming because she’s a brat. She was terrified. When the large men who were sworn to protect her yolked her up and forced her to get into the car, memories of the abduction raided her tormented mind. The tears that fell were not of rage but terror. Milo never liked being touched before but after recent events, she hates touch even more. Bill honestly prevents anyone who sits in Tom’s room from watching the media. With his brother being able to not only hear in his coma but now being fully awake, he feels that maybe a TV block is appropriate. Now isn’t a good time for Tom to hear something slanderous about his family. Not to mention, Bill didn’t want Tom to find out about his daughter’s kidnapping from a media outlet before his own family. That’s the reason they brought Milo in. If he sees her enough, maybe it’ll ease the sting when they tell him she had been kidnapped and sexually assaulted while he was comatose. He can see that despite all that, she’s sitting there with him, alive. Bill wants to spend some time with his niece. He understands her pain and can help her through it. As Milo enters the room, the bodyguards each stand on opposite ends of the door. “Dad, can you hire me some least threatening men to follow me around. Like Mike or Shiro?”

“I can try and find two not as obvious guards for you,” Grog sighs. “But look who’s awake.” Milo’s eyes widen when she sees her father is awake. He would open his arms for a hug but his fatigue and numbness prevented it. He was still able to pull a weak smile to his lips.

“Daddy!” She shrieks, launching herself into the bed ridden man, getting an oopmf from him. Georg wants to scold her but he knows that the emotions overtook her. These past few months have been hell. She turned 15 without her fathers being there. The whole party was just a reminder of how much Tom cared and it saddened her. Her friends from the team tried to cheer her up but the night ended with her crying over her cake, Hyland and the team captain patting the depressed girl’s back. With everything that’s happened, seeing her dad alive and well, okay not well, but alive and smiling, she felt like the world made since again and she loved it. 

“Careful, Milo. He’s still very weak,” Georg chides.

“Right. Sorry, I missed you so much daddy. How are you feeling?” Tom’s eyes roll over to his brother, who nods and puts a hand on Milo’s back.

“Your father hasn’t been able to talk since he woke up. So I guess I am kind of his voice. Uh, I haven’t done this in a while, so bare with me,” Bill smiles. He looks at Milo and then at his brother. “He missed you too. He honestly feels so sorry that he missed your birthday and he wishes that maybe he could make it up to you….in the next year of course. He also is happy to see you alive and well. Happy that his baby girl is okay, despite him being locked in this hell hole.”

“Really?” She squeaks, tears filling her eyes. “You got all that from just looking at him.”

“Tom and I are special. We can hear each other. Not on no, weird telepathic scale but more on a feelings kind of thing. There are days where we can filter actual words into each other’s heads, that takes a lot of concentration. And it’s more like we just send our feelings and vibes and they manifest into a voice once they’ve reached us.”

“So, did he send a voice?”

“No, I can just look into your father’s eyes and always know what is going on in that head of his. He can’t lie to me. Just like I can’t lie to him. Even with mental blocks up, we can look into each other’s eyes and shatter those walls in an instant,” Bill smiles.

“It’s something that is both a blessing and a curse in the band, though. Because when these two disagreee, hell hath no fury like a pair of scorned Kaulitz twins,” Georg chuckles. 

“And what’s the blessing?” Bill snorts.

“Well, you two usually agree on everything. So, I know if Tom said yes to something, you most likely did too. Less running around for everyone in band. Not to mention, you two are never apart, easier to find both of you in a flash.”

“Wow, Geo, thank you for telling me that our closeness as twins is a huge convienence for you,” Bill chuckles while rolling his eyes. Tom wants to laugh but all he can muster is a small snort. He’s still very exhausted. They had been working on his legs earlier and he was in so much pain and so strained after. He didn’t get why at first but Georg had explained to him that he banged them up when he fell in the shower. He also hadn’t moved except when he had seizures. His legs were stiff constantly never really relaxed. The fatigue he suffered from would be the equivalent to him running six cross state marathons back to back with no rest in between. He would be in a world of pain when it came to walking again. Milo nestles herself into his armpit being careful of the wires connected to her father. 

“Is this okay?” she asks looking up at Georg.

“Yes, but only for a little while. His seizures haven’t been fully stopped and we don’t know when the next one is gonna hit.” The teen nods that she understands and takes advantage of this moment to just be with her father. 

When that man held her, this is all she wanted. She just wanted to be with her father. Tom. She loves Georg and wouldn’t want anyone else to be her second dad but Tom is definitely her favorite. She loved how he never told her no when she wanted to be held. She wanted to nuzzle with him when she got home from the kidnapping and broke down when she remembered that Tom was here in a hospital, hooked up to all these machines. Milo had truly missed Tom more than a lot of people realized. He kept her sane. He brought her to this place with all these people. Out of all the orphans in that place, he chose her. He made her an addition to his family. There was no greater feeling in the world. She didn’t know Tom had been looking to choose her for days but he wanted to find the right opportunity. He wanted to see if he could really bring her home. He watched her play basketball with her friends and got daily reports on her. He wanted Milo as his daughter and he wanted to nurture her dreams. She couldn’t ask for anymore. Two loving parents who would go to the ends of the earth to care for her. 

Why did her father have to end up like this? This thought sends her into tears. Tom is her daddy. Why does her kind daddy have to deal with something that puts him in these situations? There are so many people in the world and the universe chose him. She wanted him to be well; to be able to enjoy her life; to able to not worry when he’d collapse; to not be held together by pills and injections; to be her father. Milo admits that she hurts when she sees him succumb to his illness. She feels this pang every time she hears Georg sighing as he talks to Bill on the phone about what happened or when his seizure hits and Georg needs her to get Sasha out of the room. To try and protect her from it. She usually puts her sister down in her room and finds a spot to quietly observe. She wanted to understand it. She never could. There weren’t warning signs. It just happened. Like lightning. One moment he’s laughing with his baby on his lap, the next he’s laying across the couch convulsing. Milo soon starts regretting these thoughts because she feels Tom tense up beneath her. Bill pulls her up and out of the room before the full seizure manifests and covers her ears as the horrible vocalizations escape his brother’s mouth. Nurses and his neurologist run to the scene and Bill pulls Milo down the hall and to a place to sit. “Milo?” Bill whimpers.

“I don’t fucking get it! Why him? Tell me Uncle Bill! Why does my father have to suffer like this?! He does nothing but take care of me and my sister relentlessly. He makes millions of people happy. He cares so deeply for his friends and his family! Why did the universe pick him out of all the more deserving people?!” She cries.

“While I do hate his illness as much as the next guy, I would never wish this upon even my worst enemy. No one deserves to suffer. Not Tom, not you and not me,” Bill retorts. “I understand your anger though. I feel the exact same way. And I’ve had to watch him suffer his whole life. You can’t let that break you though. Trust me, if you hold it in and just let it destroy you, you’ll break down. It’s not fucking pretty.”

“This isn’t fair! He deserves so much better and what is he handed?! An illness that leaves him like that. Vulnerable. I can’t accept that and just not let it upset me!”

“I know. Milo, goddamit, I know!” Bill near shouts. “Tom has had far more loss earlier in life than he has had now. You and your family have been the best thing to happen to him. He didn’t imagine he’d ever get to have a family and fully enjoy it. This has happened to him more times than I can count.”

“How do I even get through this with him? He’s my father, not you know, for real but I love him like he is.” 

“Then all you can do is be there for him. That’s all he needs and wants right now,” Bill smiles. Milo bites her lip and looks away from her crying uncle. Her family isn’t having the best of luck with life and it pissed her off. The happiness, why was it choosing now to shatter? Bill gets closer to his niece and forces her to face him by pulling her head up by the chin. She stares into her uncle’s teary eyes, not knowing what his plan is now that he’s captured her attention.

“I know your father has you talking to a therapist but a therapist hasn’t been through what we went through.”

“We?”

“When I was younger, younger than you, my father thought it would be nice to put hands on me,”

“Now, Bill, that’s not true.” Bill turns around abruptly and glares at the man walking up to him. 

“Why are you still here?”

“I know Tom is awake and they won’t let me see him. Bill, why are you telling that girl about something that never happened?”

“ _Never happened_?! I was a little boy when you thought it’d be fun to play with me in a bathtub. You touched me, all over. And you kept touching me. Mama never knew and it’s something I will take to my grave. I hate you for what you did.”

“Bill, I am so sorry for ever taking advantage of you like that.”

“You think your stupid sorry’s can fix me?! You took a vulnerable little boy and….and you….and you hurt him. You hurt me and I don’t ever want to see you again.”

“I really am sorry.”

“If you were sorry about anything, you wouldn’t have done it repeatedly,” Bill mutters. 

He storms down the hall with his niece in tow. He couldn’t face that man. Not anymore. The memories of his assault were repressed. His younger self locked them away and once he started counseling all of those thoughts came flooding back. He remembered the pain, the betrayal, and at the forefront the disgust. He let his own father do unspeakable things to him. He wanted to tell someone when he was a little boy but his father used strong arm threats to keep him silent; to keep the memories repressed. Once he is sure they’re alone, he allowed the tears to fall freely. Milo looks up at her uncle and he is sobbing into his open palm. His hair is quaking with his sobs. His reason for not returning to therapy. He didn’t want to allow anymore memories to get free from his head. He just wanted to get better from the Alex stint and now it’s beyond that. Tom’s hospitalization, Alex, Gustav, and now his own father, he couldn’t take all this on his shoulders. The stress would eat him alive if it continued. His eyes glance up over his hand to his niece and he pulls his hand away. “You don’t wanna be like me, Milo. Don’t let everything come crashing down on you and throw you into a downward spiral. Please, you can tell me, are you really alright?” The teen looks away from her uncle. 

“No, I’m not alright.”

“Talk to me, Milo. I’m here.”

“I wake up screaming every night. My body feels disgusting and I don’t want to be touched. I don’t want to get out of bed most days and other days I am afraid to even leave the house. I don’t wear distinguishable clothing because I don’t want someone else to single me out. I am afraid….and I know I will always be afraid,” she whimpers.

“Milo….”

“Oh and the icing on the cake, I am constantly worried that my own father is gonna croak before he gets the chance to see me graduate high school and college, get married and start a family.” Bill pulls the teen into a hug and she starts sobbing into her uncle’s white shirt. 

“I know, honey. It’s okay, you can cry.”

“Why our family? Isn’t there someone who needs to suffer more than me or you or daddy?”

“No one needs or deserves to suffer. You are strong and so is my brother. He will get through this, I promise,” he smiles, placing his hands on the sides of her face, holding onto her cheeks. “And so will you. I’ll be right here whenever you need me, so don’t hesitate to call.” Milo didn’t get why Georg isn’t the one holding her and talking to her but she understood. He had too much on his plate. Tom’s hospital stint, the surgery and now the recovery. She didn’t want to burden him with more issues, agreeing to talk to a counselor because she thought it would be easier opposed to giving Georg more grey hairs. He already had a lot to handle when she was kidnapped. Something he doesn’t want to discuss. Bill is waiting for Georg’s breakdown. He’s been focusng so hard on being level headed that the younger male is worried how severe of meltdown he’s gonna have. 

It is inevitable. A kidnapping, surgery and near death experience all in the same three month span. Bill is already burnt out, crying constantly. He knew at some point that he’d have to start talking to someone again but all he could do is cry and look after his twin. Something he had done since the boys started school. His mother made it a important note that Bill knew to ‘look after his brother’. Bill brings the girl back to her father’s hospital room and Georg is having a very unsettling phone call.

“.....yeah, I know.”

“Georg, this is serious. The record has to be finished and our guitarist will be out of commission for months. How are we gonna keep the buzz if we can’t even give the fans something to tide them over?”

“Look, Mike, I know that this is all very inconvienient but you have to remember, I didn’t plan this. I do think we have a better chance though, seeing as the major label involvement isn’t a factor anymore. I’ll talk with Bill about it later. You know when I’m not standing in my husband’s hospital room,” Georg groans.

“I know that this is a bad time. I just….I am looking at Twitter right now and the fans need news. What do I even tell them?”

“I don’t fucking know. The media already told them about the surgery and there’s nothing more that I can tell you.”

“Georg….I don’t want to be this guy but you have to give me something. Something to work with. Anything.”

“You want something? Fine, tell the fans that Tom needs to recover and that’s going to take some time. Stay tuned for updates,” Georg groans, hanging up the phone.

“What was that about?” Bill asks.

“Mike, he is just reminding me that Tom’s hospitalization is inconvienencing the fans. They just don’t have a distraction, so they’ll do anything to just keep hounding us.” Bill looks down at Milo, the girl shielded behind her uncle’s long arms. 

 

“I uh, I have some music,” Bill stammers. “I wrote a bunch of songs and Tom helped me mix them and put it together. If you want, I can start a solo project, do some press stuff and distract the fans from Tom for a while. You know, give you guys some space.”

“Bill….are you sure? I know how much you wanted to stay by Tom’s side.”

“This is going to help Tom. I mean I have enough material and we have the everything for a solo stint. I had been thinking about doing it for a while and now’s as good a time as any. If anything, it’ll give you some breathing room and it’ll also generate buzz for us. So when we finally finish the record and Tom is given a clear bill of health, we won’t take a massive torpedo.”

“Bill, I didn’t want for this to tear you away from Tom. I promise.”

“I know you didn’t. Fans have demands and we have expectations to meet even if we say we don’t.” Bill swallows his remaining tears and walks over to his twin. “Besides, if it means helping Tom with healing, then I’ll do it.” He takes Tom’s hand and kisses the rough knuckles. He knew that Tom needed time and he needed to heal. Taking the fans attention away from his condition would be the least Bill could do. He stands at his full height and looks at his niece and Georg in the room. Bill turns to leave when Milo stops him.

“I want to go with him.”

“Milo?” Bill pries.

“I want to be here for my father. I do but with everything that’s happened, I need to go somewhere else. Please, pop. I just, I can’t stay here right now.” Georg looks at his daughter and she’s crying, tears fall down her caramel cheeks. His heart plummets and he starts to sob himself, shocking both of the people looking at him.

“Milo….I have not been the best father to you, have I?”

“Pop….”

“I know I haven’t. My little girl was kidnapped….sexually assaulted and here I am trying to handle logistics for the band. I didn’t even hold my own daughter, I wasn’t there for her for any of this. Milo. I am so fucking sorry do you understand that?” Georg sobs. “I never meant to abandon you or ignore you.”

“Pop, I get it, daddy needs you---.”

“No excuse. You’re my daughter. I should have been trying to help ease you into normalcy. I should’ve been making sure you were okay.” He pulls the girl into his arms and hugs her tightly His hands brush the long braids on her head, both sobbing loudly. Georg rattles off apology after apology. He hadn’t been like this since the wedding and Bill shudders when he gets a vivid mental picture. The stress of planning it all got to Tom and no one knew because he kept it to himself. He and Bill prepared for the wedding and his twin couldn’t sense that anything was off. As his best man, he walked out and took his place. Tom looked really good in his tux according to Bill. Everyone had been giving toasts and Tom decided to give one in honor of his husband. The aura hit him as soon as he stood and he came tumbling down into Georg’s arms within minutes. Georg craddled him in his arms until paramedics arrived, crying that it’s not fair that he couldn’t even enoy his own wedding without his seizures ruining everything. 

“Milo, do you want to stay here?” Bill asks.

“No. As much as I miss my father and want to be here for daddy. I need a place to think and this isn’t it. There’s too much going on,” the teen sniffles through the tears. Bill looks at his niece as she pulls away from her father. Georg doesn’t look disappointed. Mostly just broken. She kisses her dad’s forehead and follows her uncle out of the room. Bill doesn’t say anything to the girl at first, however there is a question burning in his mind. They get into the red audi and Bill turns to his niece and removes his shades. 

“Alright, you could’ve stayed, why didn’t you?”

“You’re right. There is no one in this world that I know right now who understands what happened to me better than you. What happened to us was… _confusing, scary, traumatizing and scarring_. If I stayed home, I would just end up bottling everything because no one understands me. You do, if you leave and get busy, how will I heal? I need you right now, Uncle Bill not my parents.” The singer looks at the young girl in awe but doesn’t say anymore. He turns to face the road and drives out of the hospital parking lot back to his apartment. The phone call with Mike and Shiro is short and soon they’ve got venues booked for events and a date to release the video they recorded. Honestly, he would be lying if didn’t say he is a little excited. Granted, he’s pissed that his solo exploits have to be a mere distraction from his twin’s recent inability to stay well but he’s happy that he gets to do something he loves to hide the pain that lies beneath. Milo stands in the kitchen, waiting for the tea kettle to whistle. She wants to leave her uncle to his devices and to think. Going all around the globe. Taking the time to heal and forget all the pain. The pain that asshole forced her to endure. She didn’t want to be apart of this weird cycle of pain that surrounded her family. The sexual assault exposed a fear she had buried when her parents died. Living with junkies, she had to protect herself from sexual deviants and would be rapists on a regular. For all that effort to be thwarted when things were supposed to be all good. To be hurt like that when….when she was finally safe. Her body felt foreign. The whistling kettle brings her out of her thoughts and she turns off the stove. Scowering her uncle’s cabinets, she locates two tea cups and places them down on the table. Her nimble hands bring the kettle over to the cups when memories of what that man did to her flood her mind. The images are vivid and she can feel his hands all over her body. 

Ten fingers tremble and shake until the kettle hits the floor with a clang, boiling water splashing onto the floor. Milo crouches into a corner of the kitchen, hugging her knees to her chest. The images won’t go away. They won’t stop. The young teen sobs, not paying attention to her frantic uncle who rushed into the kitchen when he heard the ruckus. Years of living with an epileptic, you go running when you hear anything suspicious. Bill pulls a rag from the cabinet and runs it under some cold water, for the assumed burns he’s sure she has from the kettle water. He places his phone on the counter to have easier access to it, worried about the extremity of the could be burn injuries. He bends down, rag in hand and places a calm hand on her knee. “Milo, let me see it,” he coos. Her PTSD got the best of her and she lashes out, kicking her uncle accidently or purposesly depending on who’s asking. She hyperventilates as she watches Bill place the cold rag on his now bleeding nose. She snaps out of her hysteria when Bill curses loudly and backs away from the teen to writhe on the floor. Milo gets up onto her knees and her hands hover over him. 

“Uncle B---Bill, I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to---.”

“It’s fine. I’ve dealt with worse. It just hurts like a bitch,” Bill groans. Tom hated when they swore in front of the girls but he did it more than the others did. He personally feels that if Sasha ends up cursing like a foul mouthed German, she definitely got it from daddy. Not pop. Milo puls the rag down from his face and hisses when she sees his face has swollen around the nose and cheek area. The blood didn’t stopped but she was sure that it wouldn’t bruise,making her take a sigh of relief. Bill sits up and covers his nose yet again with the cold cloth. “To keep the swelling down,” he chuckles, the rag muffling his words slightly. The teen leans back on her feet and exhales yet again. Her blonde uncle, slightly miffed about her possibly bruising his precious face, his money maker. Gotta be honest, lots of fans only like him for his face, not the music he works very hard to create or the visual masterpiecs he uses to express that music. Just his attractive face. He hated it most days but at least it meant that no matter what, he’d be guaranteed a sold record. Maybe even a chart topper but still sales were never bad. 

Both of them get up off the floor, Bill still hissing from the radiating pain on his face. His young niece holds her body and stands a small distance away from her uncle. The blonde sees her apprehension and glances at the kettle on the floor. It wasn’t broken or dented meaning she didn’t throw it or drop it accidently. She just let it go. His gaze goes back to Milo, who still has tears running down her face but not a sound leaves her pouty lips. He knows that something is on her mind. Something that made her drop a kettle and start to wail. He puts the cold rag down, seeing as his nose had stopped bleeding and the pain is bearable. He didn’t want to touch her in fear that something might click which could cause her to lash out again. He only nods towards the couch and she follows. Bill allows for the broken teen to sit herself down and get comfortable while he pulls out a chinese menu. “Since we both don’t want to deal with anymore kitchen fiascos, how about I just order out? This place sells hot tea and they aren’t far so it’ll still be hot when it arrives,” Bill smiles.

“Uncle B, why me?” The blonde drops the take out menu and crosses his arms across his chest. He didn’t want to respond. Not yet. Not until Milo gave him the okay to add his 2 cents. Something that he learned from having to take care of younger children is that patience during times like this is important. She’s a fragile 15 year old whose first sexual experience was being raped on a tile floor while cameras recorded the whole act. Bill shuddered at the thought of that man still selling the footage despite telling Georg he wouldn’t unless Georg didn’t comply with the money. He still could’ve posted those videos and there could be some pervert jacking off to them right now. Bill wanted to hold his niece, make her feel safe but he himself would hate that and he knew she would to. “Of all the girls in the world, why did he have to pick me?” He opens his mouth, ready to tell her all the things that should make her feel better but he stops. She doesn’t want to hear the bullshit. He knows she doesn’t. Milo got enough of the ‘it gets better’ speech from her therapist. 

 

“He was a disgusting individual that derived pleasure from young girls. His wife told me that one. Unfortunately, we will never know why he chose you. He’s dead and we can’t ask him. The police won’t tell us what they found at his apartment, so as far as we know, the man who kidnapped you never existed.”

 

“Why won’t they give me any closure?” Milo cries.

 

“Because cops don’t give closure. Cops find crooks and that’s it. You want closure?”

 

“I just wanna know why, why did he pick me? Why did he have to hurt me?”

 

“Do you think you’ll sleep at night if you knew?” Bill asks. Milo nods and wipes away her tears. She could see the hurt look in Bill’s eyes. They grew dark as soon as she and he met gazes. He is hurting for her. Bill didn’t like seeing his niece like this. She was a spunky, loud mouth just like him before the assault. He crosses the room and sits down right next to her. He doesn’t put a arm around her, he doesn’t touch her. He only looks at the floor between his black socks and sighs. “You won’t sleep well ever again. Let me tell you why. Closure is a myth that society creates to tell us that our problems aren’t worth dwelling on.”

 

“I don’t understand,” she whimpers.

 

“Every person you come across, I mean it, will tell you different ways in which they believe they’ve come across this oasis called Closure. Some people say they won’t be content unless their attackers are dead. Yours is and you still don’t have closure. Why? Because now you wanna know why he did it. You see, it doesn’t exist. You’ll never forget this and that’s okay. Not forgetting doesn’t make you weak and it doesn’t change who you are, Mi. All it does it add some battle scars,” Bill sighs, reaching to the coffee table to grab his box of camels. He lights one and takes a deep drag. She looks up at her uncle and he only shrugs. He never got closure. He still hates his father for what he did. He still hates the universe for forcing his brother to suffer every single day. He still hates Alex for what he did to him. He just hates everyone. 

“What about with Alex? Daddy told me about him, he wanted me to avoid dating an ass like that. He figures tell me a horror story and I’ll watch for the signs.”

 

“I killed him and I still don’t have ‘closure’. Now, I wake up screaming every night and hope that no one is coming to kill me. I am afraid to love Gustav with all my heart. I am afraid to be in love. I wanted to know for years why did he have to hurt me. Things were great when we first met and then….” he trails off, taking a longer drag from his cancer stick. He flicks the ash into the tray on the table and turns fully to his niece. “I still don’t have my life back and it’s been years. I mean actual years, Milo. This won’t leave you. I can promise you that.”

 

“So what am I supposed to do? Live in fear my whole life?”

 

“Fuck no. What fun is that? Just don’t pretend to be okay when youre not. If you have to get vulnerable, get vulnerable. It’ll feel better to just let it out.”

 

“Okay, now what if someone gets tired of me being a crying, little pussy all the time?”

 

“Fuck them. Anyone who can’t love you for you isn’t worth your time,” Bill exhales, stubbing the filter into the tray and leaning back on his arms crossed securely behind his head. Milo opens her arms and grips the couch beneath her. It still didn’t make sense. She didn’t want to live with a monkey on her back. Basketball is all she wanted to care about. The sobs start up again and this time Bill does pull the crying girl into his arms. The wounds are still fresh and he knows that she’ll be brought to tears for everything. The pain would resurface and she would be emotional, that he knew for a fact. This time away from everything would be less for him and more for his unconsolable niece.

~*~

Tom understood, he always understood. He didn’t get angry when he knew the stress of a situation had gotten to someone and needed space. Milo and Bill both needed space. Granted, he wishes that Milo could’ve stayed with him but she was safer with Bill. Right now at least. Tears fill his eyes, threatening to spill over when the nurse picks up his left leg to stretch it. He had never been in this much pain during recovery before. Georg is there to hold his hand but what does that even mean. That wouldn’t take his pain away, it just reminded him that his husband is there for him. He had to go through this pain alone to some extent. Once the nurse had finished, she nods out the door, hoping Georg picks up the code. He kisses Tom’s knuckles and walks outside to speak with the older woman. “Is everything okay?”

“Yes, I just wanted to tell you that we will be working more on Tom’s speech and motor functions at 2pm. We wanted to give him the swallowing test to see if that was affected during the surgery. Since we haven’t had to suction him, it’s safe to assume he is swallowing well. However saliva and actual food are two very different things. So, we’ll see if he’s fully capable of eating on his own. Once we have an idea, then the team will get together and decide to either remove the feeding tube or keep it in place.”

“Okay, what about walking? When will you guys be standing him up?”

“Right now, Tom is too dependent on machines to control his overall bodily functions. So right now wouldn’t be ideal. We are focusing on getting him off the machines. Luckily, we were able to get him off the ventilator but now we have to get him off the catheter, feeding tube and some of the drips.”

“Okay….I’m guessing you’re going to run the swallow test during lunch?”

“Yes, the SLP will come in to run it.”

“SLP?”

“Yes, the speech-language pathologist.” Georg runs a hand through his ever growing scruff. He hadn’t cut his hair in weeks and it was starting to show, his hair long on some sides and short on others. So many doctors had to get involved just to nurse Tom back to health and it made him sick. Tom would eventually get either confused or annoyed during this whole process. The nurse opens her mouth yet again and her tone becomes hushed. “I’m sure Dr. Heiss or the surgeon has informed you about the chances of hallucinations, right?”

“Yes, right before the surgery,” Georg exhales, he’s clearly exhausted. 

“Okay, so has he been experiencing anything strange. I know he can’t communicate but has he ever seemed nervous for no reason or does he ever blink his eyes rapidly as if he were trying to clear his vision?”

“Uh not recently no.”

“Okay, I feel it will be easier to decipher if he’s seeing or hearing things once he’s speaking. The SLP will also be working with him on that. She’ll will sit in during lunch from now on as well to make sure he doesn’t develop dysphagia or become aspirated.” Georg nods that he understands but he could feel the tiredness of no sleep hitting him like a ton of bricks. He is clearly exhausted and he wants to be with Tom for this whole process but all the staff could see the man needed rest. He has been on the verge of passing out for about 3 days now. The only time he rests is when he takes naps when Tom’s asleep. She puts a hand on his arm and rubs it up and down. 

“I’m sorry, I am just really tired, is all.”

“I know. Do you want me to call your mother in law? I am sure she could take over while you catch a few zzz’s at home or in a vacant room.”

“I don’t wanna leave him.”

“I know you don’t, sugar but right now he needs the best version of you. You are exhausted. Take a cab home, get some rest, take a shower, shave and then come back tomorrow. Tom wouldn’t want to see you fall apart right now. You know that, right?” The younger male nods and the tears he held back started to fall. His body is pulled into a hug by the kind nurse and she pats the sobbing man’s back. The exhaustion, the stress and the anger all got to him at once and all he could do is cry. Once his sobs have quieted to whimpers, he pulls away and goes to grab his coat and keys from the hospital room. With a kiss on the cheek and promise to be back in the morning, Georg hops into a cab and travels back to their house. Mike greets him, holding a screaming Sasha. 

“Sorry, Georg, I was trying to get her down for a nap but she won’t stop screaming.”

“Peanut butter. Put some peanut butter on her pacifier and lay her down. She’ll conk right out,” the tired male yawns. 

“Peanut butter?”

“Tom always puts peanut butter on her pacifier during naptime, the taste keeps her sucking on it and then the sucking motion puts her to sleep,” Georg recites from memory. He could never get Sasha to sleep either. So Tom taught him a method that works for the young girl. She doesn’t have an allergy to nuts so it was always safe. The brunette climbs the stairs and plops down on his bed, snores soon escaping his mouth. 

“Hey G---.” Mike stops when he hears that Georg is clearly knocked out. He puts the phone back to his ear and sighs. “Yeah, he’s knocked out.”

“Good,” Bill sighs into his phone. “He hadn’t slept right since Tom went in. Make sure he sleeps the full day. He needs rest. Milo and I are fine, don’t worry.”

“It’s strange to be assisting someone who isn’t you or Tom.”

“Yeah and it’s weird to get my own coffee, Mike. I don’t care though. Tell him that I leave for LA tomorrow, Milo in tow. I should be back in Germany next week. Shiro set a date for a German appearance so I can stop by the hospital and see Tom before going to Mexico.”

“Gotcha. Also, that peanut butter thing on the pacifier, you know anything about that.”

“Yeah, our mother used to do that for us. Not surprised Tom uses it for Sasha. Anything else?”

“Nope, I think that’s all. Georg didn’t give him any updates on Tom’s condition, however, your mom had to leave me with the baby because she had to tag Georg out,” Mike chuckles as he looks in on Sasha slowly drifting off to sleep. “Wow, it worked.” Bill hangs up the phone and looks at his niece, she’s packing her suitcases in his apartment and the look on her face is not a happy one. The teen girl stops when she withdraws a lace dress, she starts to hyperventilate and Bill catches her before she collapses to the floor.

“What’s wrong?”

“T---this isn’t m---mine! I don’t own a l---lace dress like t---this. This is the thing that animal made me wear! Get it away from me!” She cries. Bill snatches the garment from her hands and tosses it away, pulling his niece into his body.

“Do you know how it got there?”

“Maybe the police gave it to pop thinking it was mine? I don’t fucking know! I just know that dress isn’t mine!”

“Okay, how about we burn it in the backyard? How’s that sound?” Milo nods into her uncle and he picks up the offending clothing and his zippo off the counter. They go out back to his “backyard” which is just a concrete patio covered with flame retardant grass. He had set it on fire during drunken stupors on numerous occasions and decided that something that didn’t catch fire would be ideal. He tosses it down on the ground, free of grass just to be safe and hands his niece the lighter. She lights the end of the dress on fire and hands him his lighter, Bill lighting a cigarette with it. Milo looks up at her uncle and then down at the cigarette. 

“Can I?” She asks, nodding to the cancer stick.

“Absolutely not. So your parents can murder me? How about no?” However, Bill thinks to himself. He can’t give it to her directly. He just tosses his open pack and lighter on the table by the sliding glass door and walks inside. He doesn’t see his niece pick one up and light it, filling her lungs with the toxic fumes. She coughs a little at first but after the third pull gets the hang out it. Bill stubs out the filter and goes into the kitchen. The stress has gotten that bad, she had to start smoking, he thinks to himself, damn. He wanted to stop her, pull it from her mouth but he knew she needed it. Honest to his own self he knew she needed it. The flight to LA is quiet, Bill ignoring everyone by putting in his headphones and drowning out sound with music. He had gotten into a lot of american pop and edm during his down time. He also dipped a lot into the indie genre finding the artists’ songs to have a lot more soul than he expected. The lyrics spoke to him in ways he never experienced before. Milo had fallen asleep for majority of the flight, only waking to eat dinner. She couldn’t help but think of her father during this time. How would he react to her being in another country? How would he react to hearing she had been abducted and sexually assaulted? How would she explain any of that to him? She nearly had a panic attack on the flight but Bill’s half asleep hand on hers made her feel so much better. He wasn’t too dead that he couldn’t sense her tension in his hand when he held it. He squeezed it tight in his grip but didn’t wake up. He just held her hand knowing she’d only need that. His thoughts were on his brother as well. Georg told him that Tom’s recovering well. He is being taken off his feeding tube soon, since he can eat food. And the SLP thinks his speech will get better in the coming weeks. Bill knew everything is going to be so much slower once he starts walking again but at the same time, he also knows that Tom won’t quit. His brother is stronger than that. He’ll cry tears and blood but he’ll get through it. 

Bill idolized that about his brother. He is a fighter. Bill used to give up a lot, hence why he doesn’t play an instrument. He didn’t have the patience of drive to continue trying. Tom, however can sit for hours and practice. He knows it must be killing Tom to not be able to practice guitar. It became an extension of him as soon as he got the instrument in his hands. Even his twin had to admit it was bizarre to see the instrument not near him in the hospital. He knew that soon his ears would be filled to the brim with the sweet, dulcet tones of Tom’s guitar once more. One day.

****

He closes his eyes in frustration. They had been at this for a week and all he could muster was a sad little sentence. Georg constantly reassured him that he was fine and that in time, things would get better. Georg didn’t know that Tom just wanted to tell Georg he loved him; that he wanted to apologize for being so reckless as to not let Hunter into the bathroom; that it was his fault that he ended up like this. He knew that he should have had Hunter around him. The dog had been barking earlier and all he did was force him to stay with Milo and her friends. He wanted Georg to know the truth. Yet, all he could say was ‘My name is Tom.’ Tears constantly fell from his eyes and his husband never got why. He just held his hand and reassured him. He just wanted to talk to his husband. He wanted to ask where his daughter went. Why she had to leave with Bill? What happened during his coma? He hated when he lost his speech because of his neurological imbalance. He hated when he couldn’t speak to the ones he loved. His mind stormed with anxiety driven scenarios, forcing him to hear numerous voices screaming at him at once. He wanted to shut them out. He could only muster the strength to bring his hand to his mouth. It made him nauseous and soon vomit spilled out from between his fingers and down his front. Georg pulled his hand away and used a the extra sheet to wipe his husband up, causing more tears to fall from Tom’s eyes. “Babe, can you relax for me?”

“What happened?” Simone asks from the bathroom, stopping her from drawing Tom’s bath. The nurse felt now was a good time to fully wash Tom up. Since they were about to start him on standing and transferring to a wheelchair before they started him walking. She returned and frowned when she saw her son crying, vomit all over him. “Oh baby. Georg, just take off his clothes, I’ll grab the nurse so we can get him into the tub.”

Tom starts to fight his husband’s caring hands because he didn’t want to be reduced to some helpless child. He wanted to at least get his own clothes off. His hands slip on the buttons and the frustration builds. He’s getting angry and Georg can see it. Soon the guitarist just abandons his efforts and drops his hands to his side. With a smile and a desire to make his husband feel better, he points to one of the buttons. “You got one, babe,” he chirps. Tom only huffs and looks away. The older male helps him get undressed and the nurse returns with some soft cloths, a towel, a wheelchair and a shower caddy with body wash and shampoo. Tom groans in pain when he is forced to move his legs from under the sheets and sit on the edge of the bed. Georg puts an arm under his armpit and around his back, helping him stand using Georg as a crutch. He cries out in pain and Georg wants to put him down but he can’t. He knows that he has to go through this. They bring the chair around and put him down in it. Tom takes deep, exhausted breaths while the nurse brings the IV pole around and hooks the oxygen tank to the back of the chair. They move him into the bathroom, where Simone has drawn a warm bath, essential oils included. She wanted to try and return the softness to Tom’s skin. With Georg’s help, they get him into the tub and gently wash him down. He doesn’t react to his mother bathing him, she did it when he was a child and she could do it now. She’s one of the few people he trusted with something like this. That list being Georg, Bill and his mother. He knew that in this state he need some help. Doesn’t mean he hated it. He hates the whole process. He hates the exercising. He hates the therapy. He hates that once his daughter finally returns to him, she’s a crying mess and she smells like cigarettes. Georg wanted to tear Bill a new one but once he explained that he’s been against this whole time, he’s just not stopping her from doing it, the older male understood. Milo went through a lot and he should be happy it’s only cigarettes. Tom’s speech improves and while it takes him a little longer than usual, he’s able to respond. His first response, a crying apology to Georg for this whole experience. All the latter could do was hug him and tell him everything would be okay. That he would get through this. That he would leave this hospital stronger than before. They could work on this together. Once they felt enough time had passed (2-3 months), they had him in the gym, prepared for walking. Tom looks at the equipment set up in the room. There’s a mounted parallel bar, bicycle and a t bar. He’s brought to the bicycle first they want to get his legs moving first, before trying to get him to walk. 

Georg wants to hurt the PT as he pushes Tom through multiple cycles before helping him off the machine. The brunette stands close by when they get him on the bar. He looks at his husband with tears in his eyes, “Georg….hurts.”

“I know it hurts, baby but it’ll get better, I promise.” He held his hand when he could. He coddled him when he could. Georg also pushed him when he should. He wouldn’t baby him because he knows Tom would never forgive him if he did. Watching him stand and walk, despite all the strain brought Georg to tears. Tom is getting better and that’s all he cared about. He watches after him the next few weeks. Seizures still come and go but that’s to be expected. Tom’s angered because now comes the inevitable chat with the counselor. They want to know if he’s been hearing or seeing things. The guitarist fiddles with his new glasses and glares at the woman sitting on his bed holding a notepad. 

“So, Georg tells me you had an incident a few weeks ago, you regurgitated all over yourself.”

“....vertigo,” he lies.

“Are you sure? Tom, I am here to access your condition. Your brain went through a severe trauma and you might have some lasting effects. I want to be sure that once we send you home, you won’t be a danger to yourself or someone else.”

“I….won’t be.”

“Have you been seeing things? Hearing things?” Tom looks over at Georg, trying to will him to make her leave but once he sees Georg shake his head no, he knows he has to tell her the truth.

“When….I get….frus---frustrated….I can hear loud, screaming voices. It makes…..me nauseous.”

“Really?’ She hums. “When did this start?”

“I d---don’t remember the f--first time.”

“Okay, that’s normal. Auditory hallucinations are common amongst people with temporal lobe injuries.” Tom rubs the nerve under his glasses and glares at the woman again. Wanting her to just leave him alone at this point. He didn’t want to deal with this. Any of this. Now that he was a bit more mobile, still needing a walker to travel, and about to be discharged to continue at home rehabilitation, he just wanted to sleep. He didn’t want to answer anymore questions. “Do you hear anything now?” He wants to lie and say no, but he could hear something. It sounded like someone was whispering in his ear, almost like they were trying to tell him a secret and he didn’t know what they were saying. 

“Whispering….I hear….whispering. I can’t….tell you what it’s saying….but there’s….a tiny voice,” he admits sadly. 

“Okay, just relax then. I’ll go grab some low dosage sedatives and we’ll try to calm that down.”

“No! No more….drugs!”

“Tom, let the doctor do her job, honey,” Georg coos.

“I don’t….wanna be medicated like….some crazy person.”

Georg had to hold him down while two nurses came in and gave him some medication. Georg could see the look of betrayal in his husband’s eyes before they closed and he was pulled into slumber. The doctor decides that a nurse will go home with them and he will have to be monitored. She also sets a schedule to come in and talk with Tom to access his condition. Fear pangs in Georg’s chest as he signs the release forms for Tom. He’s taking him home and he didn’t know what loomed in the future. All he knew is that nothing would be like it was before Tom fell in that bathtub.


End file.
